by Josh Sewell
With this week’s release of Jurassic World: Rebirth, the seventh film in the apparently eternal dinosaurs-run-amok franchise, it has become abundantly clear that nobody at Universal understands what made 1993’s Jurassic Park so special. Heck, even series mastermind Steven Spielberg couldn’t make a truly good sequel (1997’s bleak, mean-spirited The Lost World), so it might be impossible.
Although Rebirth is better than the awful trilogy with Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, that’s like saying a fresh McDonald’s cheeseburger is better than one you found in their trash. It’ll do the job if you’re hungry, but it wouldn’t be most people’s first choice. Still, at least there’s some interesting visuals and a couple of decent performances that keep it from being a total fiasco.
The story picks up five years after Jurassic World: Dominion, although you’re fine going in cold. Nothing from the other movies is relevant, aside from the plot point that few dinosaurs still exist in the wild. Even those are dying out because the planet’s climate has proven mostly inhospitable. The remaining dinos thrive in areas near the equator, and their DNA holds the key to a drug that could extend humanity’s lifespan.
That’s why a Big Pharma rep (Rupert Friend) hires a team including mercenaries (Scarlett Johansson and Mahershala Ali) and a paleontologist (Jonathan Bailey) to embark on a covert mission to secure genetic material from three specific creatures. After the operation rescues a family (including the dad played by Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, from Netflix’s The Lincoln Lawyer) whose boat was capsized by an ocean-dwelling dino, the group finds themselves stranded on an unfriendly island. That’s because it served as a genetic research facility for the original Jurassic Park, and the creations still live there.
Rebirth contains a lot of my cinematic pet peeves, but the biggest is that it’s hard to root for stupid people. Almost every character in the film is too dumb to function, whether it’s the slimy pharmaceutical rep who literally says “I’m too smart to die”; the supposed genius scientist who shouts in the middle of a herd of massive dinos who could stampede at any moment; the mercenaries who are meant to be the good guys despite exhibiting almost no redeeming qualities (until the plot requires it); or the teenager who deploys an inflatable raft a few feet away from a sleeping t-rex.
What’s more, these supposed elites seem remarkably unprepared for an environment that has killed hundreds of other people. You’re telling me none of them have watched the news in the past 30 years? That goes double for the family off in their own separate movie most of the time. In Rebirth, it’s common knowledge that dinosaurs are dying everywhere except around the equator. So, what kind of father would take his daughters (along with the eldest girl’s dimwitted boyfriend) sailing through that exact location in a tiny homemade boat? An idiot, that’s who.
Most of this nonsensical mess lies at the feet of screenwriter David Koepp, who is somehow the same guy responsible for the original Jurassic Park (adapting Michael Chrichton’s excellent novel). I can’t even accuse him of losing his touch over the years, considering he also wrote Presence and Black Bag, Steven Soderbergh’s phenomenal one-two punch from earlier this year. It’s such a baffling dip in quality.
Gareth Edwards’ directorial choices don’t help much. Although he’s light years more talented than Colin Trevorrow – whose “creative vision” rendered the previous trilogy almost unwatchable – Rebirth is further proof (following 2014’s lackluster Godzilla and 2023’s derivative The Creator) that Edwards has an eye for terrific visuals but lacks the ability to pair them with a compelling story.
When it comes to performances, Bailey is pretty much the only actor to emerge unscathed; his charisma manages to overcome some boneheaded character choices. Unfortunately, Johannson does nothing to differentiate her clueless mercenary character from Black Widow, who audiences watched in Marvel movies for more than a decade. I couldn’t even remember her name (it’s Zora, apparently) until I looked it up on IMDb. The same goes for poor Ali’s character, who is a total blank slate until it’s time to be a hero in the final moments. It’s an egregious waste of the two-time Oscar winner’s talents.
Nevertheless, my gripes don’t matter – Rebirth is critic-proof. The last three entries in the franchise were terrible, but they all grossed more than $1 billion worldwide. This one seems poised to do the same, so we’ll get a few more trips to the killer dino island over the next decade. I’m not thrilled about it, but who am I kidding? I’ll be in a theater seat watching them just like everyone else.
Jurassic World: Rebirth is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence/action, bloody images, some suggestive references, language and a drug reference. Now playing in theaters.
Grade: D+
Although Rebirth is better than the awful trilogy with Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, that’s like saying a fresh McDonald’s cheeseburger is better than one you found in their trash. It’ll do the job if you’re hungry, but it wouldn’t be most people’s first choice. Still, at least there’s some interesting visuals and a couple of decent performances that keep it from being a total fiasco.
The story picks up five years after Jurassic World: Dominion, although you’re fine going in cold. Nothing from the other movies is relevant, aside from the plot point that few dinosaurs still exist in the wild. Even those are dying out because the planet’s climate has proven mostly inhospitable. The remaining dinos thrive in areas near the equator, and their DNA holds the key to a drug that could extend humanity’s lifespan.
That’s why a Big Pharma rep (Rupert Friend) hires a team including mercenaries (Scarlett Johansson and Mahershala Ali) and a paleontologist (Jonathan Bailey) to embark on a covert mission to secure genetic material from three specific creatures. After the operation rescues a family (including the dad played by Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, from Netflix’s The Lincoln Lawyer) whose boat was capsized by an ocean-dwelling dino, the group finds themselves stranded on an unfriendly island. That’s because it served as a genetic research facility for the original Jurassic Park, and the creations still live there.
Rebirth contains a lot of my cinematic pet peeves, but the biggest is that it’s hard to root for stupid people. Almost every character in the film is too dumb to function, whether it’s the slimy pharmaceutical rep who literally says “I’m too smart to die”; the supposed genius scientist who shouts in the middle of a herd of massive dinos who could stampede at any moment; the mercenaries who are meant to be the good guys despite exhibiting almost no redeeming qualities (until the plot requires it); or the teenager who deploys an inflatable raft a few feet away from a sleeping t-rex.
What’s more, these supposed elites seem remarkably unprepared for an environment that has killed hundreds of other people. You’re telling me none of them have watched the news in the past 30 years? That goes double for the family off in their own separate movie most of the time. In Rebirth, it’s common knowledge that dinosaurs are dying everywhere except around the equator. So, what kind of father would take his daughters (along with the eldest girl’s dimwitted boyfriend) sailing through that exact location in a tiny homemade boat? An idiot, that’s who.
Most of this nonsensical mess lies at the feet of screenwriter David Koepp, who is somehow the same guy responsible for the original Jurassic Park (adapting Michael Chrichton’s excellent novel). I can’t even accuse him of losing his touch over the years, considering he also wrote Presence and Black Bag, Steven Soderbergh’s phenomenal one-two punch from earlier this year. It’s such a baffling dip in quality.
Gareth Edwards’ directorial choices don’t help much. Although he’s light years more talented than Colin Trevorrow – whose “creative vision” rendered the previous trilogy almost unwatchable – Rebirth is further proof (following 2014’s lackluster Godzilla and 2023’s derivative The Creator) that Edwards has an eye for terrific visuals but lacks the ability to pair them with a compelling story.
When it comes to performances, Bailey is pretty much the only actor to emerge unscathed; his charisma manages to overcome some boneheaded character choices. Unfortunately, Johannson does nothing to differentiate her clueless mercenary character from Black Widow, who audiences watched in Marvel movies for more than a decade. I couldn’t even remember her name (it’s Zora, apparently) until I looked it up on IMDb. The same goes for poor Ali’s character, who is a total blank slate until it’s time to be a hero in the final moments. It’s an egregious waste of the two-time Oscar winner’s talents.
Nevertheless, my gripes don’t matter – Rebirth is critic-proof. The last three entries in the franchise were terrible, but they all grossed more than $1 billion worldwide. This one seems poised to do the same, so we’ll get a few more trips to the killer dino island over the next decade. I’m not thrilled about it, but who am I kidding? I’ll be in a theater seat watching them just like everyone else.
Jurassic World: Rebirth is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence/action, bloody images, some suggestive references, language and a drug reference. Now playing in theaters.
Grade: D+
Reach out to Josh Sewell at joshsewell81@gmail.com or on BlueSky @joshsewell.bsky.social
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