REVIEW: Rock of Ages

Courtesy of New Line

There are plenty of movies that are bad, yet still manage to be entertaining. That’s why I end up watching How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days whenever I stumble across it on TV. I can’t defend why I enjoy it; I just do. That’s why it’s called a guilty pleasure. However, it’s really hard to make a flick like that on purpose.

That’s the biggest problem with Rock of Ages, the new ‘80s hair band musical starring Tom Cruise. It attempts to jump straight to the stage of ironic midnight screenings packed with costumed fans, rather than trying to simply be a good movie first. Campiness can’t be created that easily.

At least director Adam Shankman (who helmed the vastly superior Hairspray musical), along with screenwriters Justin Theroux, Chris D’Arienzo and Allan Loeb, let you know up front what kind of experience you’re getting. It’s 1987, and Sherrie Christian (Julianne Hough) is headed to Los Angeles to become a famous singer. As the bus gets closer to her destination, Sherrie and her fellow passengers break into a Six Flags revue take on Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian.”

Too on-the-nose? Absolutely. And unless you find that hilarious, you’re in for an exhausting two hours. Anyway, Sherrie arrives in L.A. and immediately falls in love with a bartender/fellow aspiring singer named Drew (Diego Boneta), who gets her a waitressing job at the club where he works. The club’s owner (Alec Baldwin) and manager (Russell Brand) are preparing for the upcoming Arsenal concert, the band’s final show before lead singer Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) embarks on a solo career.

Throw in Jaxx’s sleazy manager (Paul Giamatti); a Rolling Stone reporter (Malin Ackerman); the new mayor (Bryan Cranston) and his Jaxx-hating wife (Catherine Zeta-Jones); and a soulful strip club owner (Mary J. Blige), and you’ve got the other players in this oddball rock opera.

The movie’s “plot” is nothing but two-dimensional characters who exist solely to set up an obvious musical number, generally with painful expository dialogue. (“Stacee Jaxx is performing at your club? The guy who got his start here before he became the biggest rock star on the planet?” Cue Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock ’n Roll”) I chuckled and went with it, but I can see how it could drive other moviegoers insane.

Mostly, Rock of Ages ended up being good at one thing: sending me on an hours-long iTunes expedition once I got home. The characters’ renditions of songs by Def Leppard, Foreigner, Journey, Poison, etc. sound like they’re from a mediocre episode of Glee. But with each tune the characters belted out, I kept thinking, “Hey, I remember that song…I’m going to download the original version.”

Performance-wise, most actors are either bored or wildly miscast. The only bright spots are Brand, who’s genuinely entertaining, and Cruise, who appears to be in his own bizarre, fascinating short film, only occasionally wandering into the same story as everyone else.

If you’re a musical theater geek (like myself) or a sucker for cheesy ’80s hair bands, Rock of Ages might be worth a matinee. For everyone else, there’s not much to recommend.

Rock of Ages is rated PG-13 for sexual content, suggestive dancing, some heavy drinking and language.

Grade: C-