REVIEW: The Dark Tower

Courtesy of Sony

I’ll get right to the point, because there’s a good chance this lackluster adaptation of Stephen King’s magnum opus is already in the bargain bin at Walmart. I don’t mean for that to sound like a cheap shot, considering I’ve been a King mega-fan since I was in junior high (I had great parents who didn’t care what I was read, as long as I was reading). I’ve literally been waiting for this movie since the mid-1990s.

But I can’t lie. As much as I wanted to love The Dark Tower, and as much as I’m the target demo (I’ve read all eight books in the series, not to mention the little bits and pieces that connect practically everything King has ever written), it’s just not good. What’s worse, it’s not even the entertaining kind of bad. I spent most of the mercifully brief 95-minute running time wondering who exactly this flick was made for.

Fans of the books are going to be upset, because almost nothing from King’s epic story makes the jump to the screen. I’m not kidding – character names and a few locations are here, but that’s it. However, newcomers will likely find the dense mythology almost impenetrable. Seriously, just take a look at this brief plot summary (and I do mean brief, considering the novels span thousands of pages).

The last of a mythical line of warriors known Gunslingers, Roland Deschain (Idris Elba), has been locked in an unending battle with the Man in Black (Matthew McConaughey), fighting to keep the evil entity from destroying the Dark Tower, which exists at the nexus of the universe and holds existence together. Roland may finally have a chance at victory when he learns of young Jake Chambers (Tom Taylor), a troubled kid who has nightmares about the Gunslinger, the Man in Black and the Tower. It’s simply a race to determine who will find the boy first.

That’s basically the whole movie, but it’s a maddening reduction of the complex, allegorical story that King told over the course of decades. It’s like reading the Wikipedia entry for Hamlet. Sure, you’ll get the basic plot, but the beauty and nuance of the prose gets lost along the way.

What makes the situation even more disheartening is that it didn’t have to be this way. Elba and McConaughey (clearly relishing the chance to chew some scenery) are perfectly cast. It’s director Nikolaj Arcel, along with his fellow screenwriters Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner and Anders Thomas Jensen who drop the ball. This is a property that’s made for a multi-season television series on HBO or FX. Instead, these guys try to plant the seeds for a franchise that’s never going to happen. Sadly, in an effort to please everybody, they’ve made a bland sci-fi/fantasy hybrid that won’t make anyone happy.

The Dark Tower is rated PG-13 for thematic material including sequences of gun violence and action.

Grade: C-