REVIEW: Rampage

Courtesy of Warner Bros.

I didn’t know it was possible to make a dull movie about giant monsters beating each other to death while also destroying Chicago, but Rampage found a way to pull it off. Around the fourth or fifth time I yawned during an over-the-top action sequence, my mind began to drift.

I wondered how 10-year-old me would react if I could tell him that somebody will eventually turn one of his favorite video games into a movie, but that I’ll almost fall asleep while watching it. I have a feeling he’d be disappointed in me. Nevertheless, that’s exactly what happened.

Even though it may turn me into a grouchy, bitter film critic stereotype (“What’s the matter, snob? Don’t you like fun?”), I’m sorry to report that Rampage squanders an intriguing premise and a charismatic performance (is there any other kind?) from Dwayne Johnson. Instead, it chooses to focus on an unnecessarily convoluted story and monsters who are so unstoppable that they quickly become uninteresting.

Johnson (reteaming with his San Andreas director Brad Peyton for another slice of CGI banality) plays primatologist Davis Okoye, a man who prefers avoiding people so he can spend more time with his friend George, an albino silverback gorilla he rescued as an infant. However, that changes after a top secret genetic experiment accidentally turns the ape into a rage-fueled creature the size of a building.

If that wasn’t bad enough, Okoye eventually learns the same experiment also transformed a wolf and an alligator into similar monsters. If he is going to return his friend to normal, Okoye must team up with a geneticist (Naomie Harris) to track down an antidote. That’s easier said than done considering the beasts are making a beeline for Chicago, destroying everything in their paths. Meanwhile, the shady corporate siblings (Malin Akerman and Jake Lacy) responsible for this nightmare are trying to destroy evidence linking them to the catastrophe – including the antidote.

The trailers make Rampage look like mindless fun, but the finished product is far more of the former than the latter. It’s yet another example of a shrewd publicity campaign overpromising and underdelivering. Sure, the visual effects are stunning – especially those used to create George – but the awe wears off after a while. When it does, the absence of a compelling story becomes evident real fast.

That’s because the four(!) credited screenwriters – Ryan Engle, Carlton Cuse, Ryan J. Condal and Adam Sztykiel – all seem to be making different movies. Seeing Cuse’s name here is particularly disappointing considering he co-created Lost, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised considering he was also one of three credited writers on the yawn-fest that was San Andreas.

That jarring disconnect carries over into the actors’ performances. Johnson and Harris are in a Die Hard-style action flick (one of the bad sequels, not the awesome original). Akerman and Lacy are in some bonkers corporate espionage satire.

Oh, and Joe Manganiello (from True Blood and the Magic Mike flicks) pops up to star in his own short film disconnected from the rest of movie, although I’m not sure why. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy and it’s nice to see him get work. But his character’s subplot is so pointless you could completely remove it and I doubt anyone would notice.

I’m also not sure what’s up with Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He’s usually an entertaining character actor who disappears into his roles. However, it seems like his prep for the shadowy government agent he plays here was to run across town during his lunch breaks on The Walking Dead and change into a suit. He even keeps the same goofy Southern accent.

What’s more, other characters (played by P.J. Byrne, Jack Quaid and Breanne Hill) who get prominent screen time in the opening moments simply disappear after the first act. Just when viewers are getting a feel for them and assume they’re going to factor into the story somehow, we literally never hear from them again. It’s a weird way to begin a story.

Finally, the ending reeks of focus group retooling. Not to get into spoiler territory, but it’s blatantly obvious that a character’s life is spared at the last minute because the filmmakers didn’t want the audience to be sad. When I thought said character had made a selfless sacrifice, I was actually impressed. Then, to see the screenwriters wave it away as a joke felt cheap.

I hate when the end of a movie leaves a bad taste in my mouth, which is exactly what happened with Rampage. It’s too bad – with a few creative tweaks and a storytelling approach that wasn’t designed by committee, this could’ve been a fun one. Instead, it’s destined to be forgotten at the bottom of a Walmart bargain bin within a couple of years.

Rampage is rated PG-13 for sequences of violence, action and destruction, brief language, and crude gestures.

Grade: C-